‘The middle wife’, by an anonymous (American) 2nd grade teacher
I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own 2nd Grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever, place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it into school and talk about it they are welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’
She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had a camcorder with me. The other kids are watching her in amazement.
‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going “Oh, oh, oh, oh!”’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like, an hour saying “Oh, oh, oh”.’
Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk, and groaning.
‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the man from Domino’s. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this - .’
Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
‘And then, POP! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ The kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
‘Then the middle wife starts saying “push, push” and “breathe, breathe”, and they started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said was from Mom’s play-centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.’
Then Erica stood up and took a big, theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, on show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder just in case another ‘Middle wife’ comes along.